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Friday 24 May 2013
Tuesday 12 February 2013
Tuesday 20 November 2012
Going Forward: Life without Mom
Tomorrow is the day we celebrate 6 months in Australia. It has been an incredible place of healing for me. The day we moved I quit smoking cold turkey-with all the chaos in my life at the time it seemed like the thing to do-to have some control over something. So I controlled that.
With my mother’s declining health these past years, and the stress it put on me with the constant back and forth; the grieving has been hard, and at times it still is. But like my uncle and my brother, we all grieved long ago for the loss of our Linnie Pin. The COPD, the pneumonias that scarred her lungs, and finally heart failure took her body, but her independent spirit had flown away years ago. She had a depression that consumed her like a fire. And that is the truth about my mom. The only reason she stayed on this Earth was for her children. She loved us with every ounce of her being…she suffered and stayed longer than perhaps she should have or perhaps it was all perfect timing. I feel blessed that I was able to be there for her the last week of her life, advocating a peaceful death for her with hospice.
When she was in Graduate school she composed her Thesis around the subject of Death with Dignity. So it was only fitting she went out the way she wanted. I watched her go through hell getting her MS; being a single parent of two very strong willed children and not taking your life or that of your children is a feat in and of itself. I also watched with pride and big eyes as only a child does, as she walked on stage and was hooded. I was only 9. Later, when I decided to go onto graduate school, she would be my inspiration. As much as I hated her at times; I also wanted to be like her too…in all her best ways. She was a wonderful parent and our fiercest advocate. When both my brother and myself we were diagnosed with a learning disability- later known as dyslexia. She fought tooth and nail to make sure our needs were met in the public school forum and when they were not, she enrolled us in private school. I would listen in on the Parent/Teacher conferences or what I would later refer to as the, "Let me kindly educate you about my children and their needs." lecture.
It’s strange how we don’t credit the living like we should- human nature is an enigma. What I know now that I failed to realize when she was alive is the impact she has and will continue to have not only on my life, but my bother, and my son's as well. The history she shared with us, the legacy of the land. The romance she had with the Ranch full bloom in the spring; the mustard flowers, the Indian Paintbrush, the Poppies; and most of all- the compassion she held for all the strays; slithering, winged, two or four legged animals and humans alike that would cross her path. She will be a legend to me as long as I am alive and can remember her.
I talk to her every day wishing she was in great health and on this Earth. In the past few years I would often wonder how different I would be once she passed on; would I still be a stress monster, or would I gradually turn back into, “it’s all good” Terri? Recently, a change has come over me; I am finally accepting of all the flaws and wonderful things that made up my mom. I am different now too, but it is familiar in the way I was hoping it would be. I feel free.
In this place with Kazuo and Rei- is exactly where I am supposed to be. I'm content and actually looking forward rather than dreading our next move-whenever and where ever it takes us. Happiness feels good!!!
With my mother’s declining health these past years, and the stress it put on me with the constant back and forth; the grieving has been hard, and at times it still is. But like my uncle and my brother, we all grieved long ago for the loss of our Linnie Pin. The COPD, the pneumonias that scarred her lungs, and finally heart failure took her body, but her independent spirit had flown away years ago. She had a depression that consumed her like a fire. And that is the truth about my mom. The only reason she stayed on this Earth was for her children. She loved us with every ounce of her being…she suffered and stayed longer than perhaps she should have or perhaps it was all perfect timing. I feel blessed that I was able to be there for her the last week of her life, advocating a peaceful death for her with hospice.
When she was in Graduate school she composed her Thesis around the subject of Death with Dignity. So it was only fitting she went out the way she wanted. I watched her go through hell getting her MS; being a single parent of two very strong willed children and not taking your life or that of your children is a feat in and of itself. I also watched with pride and big eyes as only a child does, as she walked on stage and was hooded. I was only 9. Later, when I decided to go onto graduate school, she would be my inspiration. As much as I hated her at times; I also wanted to be like her too…in all her best ways. She was a wonderful parent and our fiercest advocate. When both my brother and myself we were diagnosed with a learning disability- later known as dyslexia. She fought tooth and nail to make sure our needs were met in the public school forum and when they were not, she enrolled us in private school. I would listen in on the Parent/Teacher conferences or what I would later refer to as the, "Let me kindly educate you about my children and their needs." lecture.
It’s strange how we don’t credit the living like we should- human nature is an enigma. What I know now that I failed to realize when she was alive is the impact she has and will continue to have not only on my life, but my bother, and my son's as well. The history she shared with us, the legacy of the land. The romance she had with the Ranch full bloom in the spring; the mustard flowers, the Indian Paintbrush, the Poppies; and most of all- the compassion she held for all the strays; slithering, winged, two or four legged animals and humans alike that would cross her path. She will be a legend to me as long as I am alive and can remember her.
I talk to her every day wishing she was in great health and on this Earth. In the past few years I would often wonder how different I would be once she passed on; would I still be a stress monster, or would I gradually turn back into, “it’s all good” Terri? Recently, a change has come over me; I am finally accepting of all the flaws and wonderful things that made up my mom. I am different now too, but it is familiar in the way I was hoping it would be. I feel free.
In this place with Kazuo and Rei- is exactly where I am supposed to be. I'm content and actually looking forward rather than dreading our next move-whenever and where ever it takes us. Happiness feels good!!!
Thursday 24 December 2009
People who wait in line for hours for a pair of Uggs are dumb asses...No, really they are.
I'll bet you anything these are the same tools who wear those moronic Ed Hardy shirts...fuck sake!
Tuesday 1 December 2009
Sunday 13 September 2009
Winter in the Northern Hemisphere
What has been happening in my country has brought so much anxiety and worry to my door, 3,373 miles away. The vile spewing out of the mouths of Americans is disconcerting. Equating our president to Hitler is the most ill conceived accusation I can imagine, yet there are a few million out there who believe it to be true. Out of the video images I have witnessed on youtube the most disturbing was a woman chanting Hail Hitler! and making a Nazi salute to a Jewish man as he was explaining the benefits of the public heath system in Israel. The arrogance of that woman made me sick, and, at that point I thought I had seen the bottom. It was only the beginning of the ignorance and conceit I would soon witness by other Americans.
The debate over whether or not we should have an alternative to private insurance has brought a blight to my country that I thought only a few could try and justify in their own senseless way, thereby dismissed as the ranting o
f a crazy person. However, he who screams the loudest is the one who is heard. So much for civility. It begs the question; where are the 70% who support the public option? Starting a poll on facebook hardly constitutes a revolution or a protest for that matter. The revolution is being televised despite what Gil Scot said in 1970. The ‘tea bag’ demonstrations are the squeaky wheel in this case. Burning effigies of a President is a form of protest and thus, protected by the first amendment. However, the fact that the Tea Bag protesters are spewing so much misinformation and hatred in order to scare the most vulnerable, is tantamount to yelling ‘Fire’ in a movie theatre. This is fodder for news outlets looking to up their ratings in the name of sensationalism (there is an ism we all should fear). It is disconcerting and a true testament of how far we have fallen as a civilized society.I am disappointed President Obama took so long to tailor his message to the masses. As a leader, he should know when to leave the opposition behind and not cave to the demands of lunacy. He has compromised so much that the integrity of his initial vision is almost unrecognisable. Access to preventative health care should be considered a basic human right and not something to be bartered to make the few comfortable.
Autumn is on the minds of many looking to say goodbye to the searing temperatures of this past summer, but winter has already set in.
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