Tomorrow is the day we celebrate 6 months in Australia. It has been an incredible place of healing for me. The day we moved I quit smoking cold turkey-with all the chaos in my life at the time it seemed like the thing to do-to have some control over something. So I controlled that.
With my mother’s declining health these past years, and the stress it put on me with the constant back and forth; the grieving has been hard, and at times it still is. But like my uncle and my brother, we all grieved long ago for the loss of our Linnie Pin. The COPD, the pneumonias that scarred her lungs, and finally heart failure took her body, but her independent spirit had flown away years ago. She had a depression that consumed her like a fire. And that is the truth about my mom. The only reason she stayed on this Earth was for her children. She loved us with every ounce of her being…she suffered and stayed longer than perhaps she should have or perhaps it was all perfect timing. I feel blessed that I was able to be there for her the last week of her life, advocating a peaceful death for her with hospice.
When she was in Graduate school she composed her Thesis around the subject of Death with Dignity. So it was only fitting she went out the way she wanted. I watched her go through hell getting her MS; being a single parent of two very strong willed children and not taking your life or that of your children is a feat in and of itself. I also watched with pride and big eyes as only a child does, as she walked on stage and was hooded. I was only 9. Later, when I decided to go onto graduate school, she would be my inspiration. As much as I hated her at times; I also wanted to be like her too…in all her best ways. She was a wonderful parent and our fiercest advocate. When both my brother and myself we were diagnosed with a learning disability- later known as dyslexia. She fought tooth and nail to make sure our needs were met in the public school forum and when they were not, she enrolled us in private school. I would listen in on the Parent/Teacher conferences or what I would later refer to as the, "Let me kindly educate you about my children and their needs." lecture.
It’s strange how we don’t credit the living like we should- human nature is an enigma. What I know now that I failed to realize when she was alive is the impact she has and will continue to have not only on my life, but my bother, and my son's as well. The history she shared with us, the legacy of the land. The romance she had with the Ranch full bloom in the spring; the mustard flowers, the Indian Paintbrush, the Poppies; and most of all- the compassion she held for all the strays; slithering, winged, two or four legged animals and humans alike that would cross her path. She will be a legend to me as long as I am alive and can remember her.
I talk to her every day wishing she was in great health and on this Earth. In the past few years I would often wonder how different I would be once she passed on; would I still be a stress monster, or would I gradually turn back into, “it’s all good” Terri? Recently, a change has come over me; I am finally accepting of all the flaws and wonderful things that made up my mom. I am different now too, but it is familiar in the way I was hoping it would be. I feel free.
In this place with Kazuo and Rei- is exactly where I am supposed to be. I'm content and actually looking forward rather than dreading our next move-whenever and where ever it takes us. Happiness feels good!!!
